Last night I found a page in a journal that I’ve kept that has my hopes and goals for 2017 written down on it.
It came as a surprise to me when I stumbled on the page. I clearly remember writing this list even though I’d forgotten about it most of the year. It was scrawled out in a fashion that marks that time period in my life.
The white cream pages hold the black inked words of grow friendships, listen, speak more French, and keep a room clean.
At the end of this list, I wrote: Know, at the end of 2017, that I’ve grown and changed and learned and failed in wonderful ways. That I went through a process of getting older and wiser, that at the beginning of the year I wasn’t perfect, and that’s ok.
I wrote that on December 30, 2016. Today is December 30, 2017.
One year later.
As the year is now coming to a close I’ve been reflecting on just that, what my past self-wrote to my future self. I was going through some rough spots during that time. I was always beating myself up for who I was and what I did. Alway calling myself stupid, or not enough. Always wishing I was older, wiser, and better. That the past me would hide in shame for what she didn’t know and the decisions that she made. I ridiculed and judged myself. And sometimes, I think that’s the worst kind of judgment.
Although I wrote that to myself at the end of last year, I kind of forgot about it and didn’t even realize that I was subconsciously, slowly, learning how to stop judging myself so harshly.
This is what I’ve learned, subconsciously, within the last year: Who I was last December is ok. That girl is ok. There is nothing wrong with her, she was learning and growing. Don’t hate her, love her and let her know that she’s going to grow. More and more and more. She’s not stupid. She’s not shamed. That girl is accepted and loved, and because of that, her future self, me right in the exact moment, and be at peace and content and loving. I’m growing, constantly learning, and accepting that I don’t know everything. I will never know everything, and that’s ok.
Giving yourself permission to love and accept your past self, to not judge yourself for what you didn’t know, puts you in a better position to accept yourself and grow more now, today, here in the present moment.
My heart is at rest knowing that I never have and never will be perfect, so why always put the stress on myself, why try to act like I know everything when everything is too much for anyone and everyone to know in the first place. There is a process we all go through and we can’t judge yourself when we go through it.
I’m far from perfect, I always will be, and even though I won’t stop improving myself, I’m not going to harshly judge myself for learning, becoming, and creating myself, faults and all. We have to learn to love the process of being human.